Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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