Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
