Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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