So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
