I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
