Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
