Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
