Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
