my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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