i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
