my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
