just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
