Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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