Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize