So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
