You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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