I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is it penis luge time yet?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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