i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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