Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
