Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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