I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
