I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
