Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
