Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize