Cold hands, warm shart.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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