I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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