dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
