We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
