Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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