I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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