I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
