Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize