Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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