YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
