Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Panties = found
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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