Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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