If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
