I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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