What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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