New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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