Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
