Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
