i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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