I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
