i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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