a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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