I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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