someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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