I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
