Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
