She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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