I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
