I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize