After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
