found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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