i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
