as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
