I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
is wine microwaveable?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your cock deserves a montage
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize