Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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