why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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