I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
