Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
