She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
